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Lust of the Flesh


Chapter 4 - First Love, A Lovely Illusion
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I thought maybe I had finally found him, the man of my dreams. 

It was fall, and the sky was the most beautiful blue you have ever seen.  The air was crisp as we walked together through the amusement park that afternoon.  The maple leaves on the surrounding trees were bright and beautiful, going out with colors of glory as they fell around our feet.  He was…everything. 

He had become my world.  I smiled contentedly as he held my hand; the whirl of rides swirling around us, people laughing and the smell of nachos and cotton candy made it a perfect day.  We had spent what seemed like every waking moment together for the past year.  He felt like my other half and it was wonderful.  I had always been a slow mover…nervous in the beginning to consider him.  But now I was ready.  I was ready for him to choose me and marry me. 

I wondered if maybe it would happen soon, maybe tonight.  The sun went down, and it got cold.  We were riding the Ferris wheel, and I was nestled up close to him.  I noticed though, he wasn’t holding me tightly at all.  “This has been a lot of fun today.”  I whispered, laying my head on his shoulder. 

He half smiled.  “Yeah, this was a good idea.”  His words trailed off in a drop, and I looked up at him.  “Are you okay?”  He looked at me.  “Yeah, why?”  He adjusted himself in the seat, looking suddenly uneasy.

The End of the Ride

“Well, you just seem like something came over you just now.”  He looked down over the side of the ride and rubbed his hand across his forehead.  “Yeah, I’m fine.”  He was silent for just a second then spoke up again. “I can’t see you anymore after tonight.” 

My heart fell with a thump all the way down to the ground below.  I swallowed, immediately stunned with confusion and disbelief.  “What?  I don’t understand.”  He dropped his arm away from my shoulders and backed against the wall of the seat, his eyes cast downward at his feet.  “I’ve just been thinking for a while…about us.  I don’t think were right together.  I think you need someone that deserves you more.” 

I interrupted with a teary choke in my voice.  “Please don’t give me that line; I don’t want to hear it.”  I instantly felt a million miles away from him, though we were sitting side by side.  “Why are you saying this to me?  I thought we meant something to each other?”  

I put my hand gently on his leg and looked searchingly into his eyes, one of the tears making its way down my shivering cheek as I tried to hold whatever was left of his heart from slipping through my hands.  He looked at me, guarded and undeterred by my heartbroken expression.  His gaze was hard and unmoved.  

It Can't Be True

Desperation swept over me as I searched for some kind of way to save what was breaking in front of me.  “I don’t understand.”  “I’m moving.”  His words cut into mine like a razor blade dramatically severing me away.  “I got a job in Cincinnati and it’s important.  I can’t not take this job.” 

I looked around searching for answers.  My words spilled out in anguished emotion.  “You’re moving to Ohio?”  He grunted.  “Yes, I just said that.”  “But that’s…that’s half the continent away.”  He looked exasperated and breathed out.  “I couldn’t just pass this up.  See, you never understood things like this.  I mentioned this opportunity to you half a dozen times; weren’t you listening?  This is important!” 

I shook my head.  “But I thought I was important to you?”  I choked on my words and longed for some kind of comfort but there was none to be found.  I didn’t say anything and the silence hung like a deadening plague, slowly wiping out everything I thought we were to each other. 

“When are you leaving?”  I whispered, barely able to talk by this point.  He straightened up as we noticed the ride was near its end.  “I’m leaving Wednesday.  I’m packing up what I can tomorrow and taking the morning flight out.”  I was silent.

He Seems Like  a Stranger

The ride came to a halt and we climbed out.  I felt as though my legs would break beneath me.  One ride seemed to have changed my whole world and sent me crashing out of control. 

My body shook, but it wasn’t from the cold.  We walked slowly through the fair grounds to make our way to the parking lot.   The smell of funnel cakes turned my stomach.  All I could smell were cigarettes and all I heard were the screams of terror around me.  “Why did you bring me here tonight?  Why did you wait until now?  Don’t you know what kind of torture this is…”  My words trailed off into a choke.  

He kicked a small bag of half-eaten popcorn out of his path and put his hands in his pockets.  “I didn’t know how to tell you.  I didn’t want to hurt you.  This is what’s important to me right now and I have to do this.  I’ve got to get established out there.  I mean, I’ve got this school debt and all these pressures on me…” 

He continued to talk and explain himself but his words trailed out of my ears.  I heard all I needed to know.  He didn’t want me.  I wasn’t worth fighting for; I wasn’t worth trying to work things out.  My throat was tight as I choked on my tears.  We came to a puddle and he instinctively held my arm to help me over it.


(Return from lust of the flesh to lust verses love)

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