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Letting go of past memories

They came again…haunting me, those painful visions that wouldn’t let me go. 

I lay in my bed, longing simply to sleep, longing for peace in the night; my hands covered my face as his face danced around in my mind, his words cutting my heart like tiny blades, each time the pain of it never losing its bite.

I couldn’t forget him…I couldn’t forget those times we shared, those moments that seemed now burned in the recesses of my very heart. 

He was gone, and everything about me knew this, and everything in my life had adjusted themselves to this truth, but my mind; my mind behaved as a delusional child, running back time and time again to a shadow of a friend who was no longer there.

It would be hard to count the number of nights that my memories plagued me, memories of his face, of his laugh, of his touch…all of him.  He was still living but all that remained for me was a ghost of his essence, tightly wrapped inside the folds of my memories.

We were close friends, watching out for each other for so very long…and then suddenly it was as if we were enemies, fighting to keep our own ground, even if the other drown. 

We all have painful memories in our hearts…of times when we were deeply hurt and wounded by past events, past loved ones, past situations. 

It’s such a funny thing because for a while it feels as though we’re doing just fine moving on.  Like in my life, I developed new ambitions and dreams for myself, and pushed myself harder than ever to achieve them.  I was proud of myself and held my head up high in my new found strength.

Wouldn’t you know, for me, it was as is always at night…when I lay my head on my pillow and stare into the dark; those memories I thought I had peacefully put to rest long ago come floating to the fore-front of my mind, filling my heart with sadness and my mind with self-doubt.

This is the time when lies would come…lies that I wasn’t really anything great, that he leaving me proved that.  Lies that I was fooling myself thinking I would ever be successful…those nasty little lies would always come and start chipping away at my confidence, my self-esteem and my self-love.

So what did I do?

Well, let me tell you something…it felt for a long time NOTHING worked to defeat this vicious mental attack. 

Knowing that I had no weapon left to try, I cried out to God, my Creator, the one who made me.

When I did this, all perspective of my life began to change.  In those moments it wasn’t that big of a deal anymore if others didn’t approve of me…if no one in the world esteemed me.  God approved of me…God loved me…God valued me…God’s heart beat for me…and I would never ever be alone because He is always there.

I don’t know what your faith is, I don’t know what you believe, or don’t believe. 

But I hope, if you are in a difficult place and time…that you will try it.  Try talking to your Creator.

I can’t tell you this in any other way other than that if you are open to Him, you will find an intoxicating peace to your storms unlike any you have ever felt before.

Letting go of past memories…it’s hard; giving these memories to God, letting Healing pour in, letting your beautiful identity come to life again…that part’s easy.

So when you’re lying in bed, and your mind and your heart are tortured…speak over yourself that you will make it through, that you will see the morning light renewed, and that you were made to be loved…always…even in your unseen memories.


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