Between Lust for Love and Love 10

Chapter 10 - The Defendant Arrives
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Suddenly the court room doors open and through them walk the Defendant. 

He is dressed in a white suit, his face is calm and watchful, his steps echoing humility and strength.  You hear the judge as he speaks with his advisor.  “Who is this walking up?”  The Adviser whispers back:  “I believe that is the Defendant sir.” 

The judge ruffles his eyebrows.  “Defendant of what, of Enmity?”  The Adviser opens his notes.  “No sir.  It appears it is the Defendant of the young woman seated over there” he points at me.  The judge nods. 

I turn around and watch as the Defendant comes through the court gate, approaching the judges’ desk with focus in his eyes as he speaks.  “Sir, I am here to say that the case has not yet been won.”  The audience murmurs as the brave Defendant approaches the bench where the witness is still seated. 

The witness is unsure what to make of him and draws back slightly in fear of being proven wrong.  But the Defendant only looks into her eyes…the look is gentle and full of peace.  Without words he then walks to the courtroom window and opens the dark shudders. 

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Sunlight floods in and consumes the witness with its light.  She watches in awe as he does this but than tilts her head downwards.  She believes it’s not for her; it’s not a place where she can go. 

The smell of roses blows through the courtroom and even through her hesitance she can’t resist to see them just once.   Slowly she walks away from the witness stand.  Whispers filter through the room as she does so.  She gazes out the open window before her. 

Outside, fields full of flowers grow splashed with sunlight.  A clear blue stream runs through, refreshing and clean.  A tear falls down her face.  She waits for a moment so she can breathe again, the sight pierces through her. 

Then, shaking her head she breathes back in her emotions.  That kind of beauty was not where she belonged…this was instilled in her.  She had already accepted that she had given these things long long ago. 

She pulls her hood over her head and walks to the jury.  Her face is lowered as she speaks to them slowly, each word crafted like a final note of goodbye. 

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“Nothing's wrong with Enmity.  He hides me from being seen for what I am.”  She nervously combs down her matted locks and wipes at the dirty streaks on her face.  “I couldn’t walk in that sunlight now or ever.” 

She pauses…her face taking a distant stare as she remembers former days.  “Maybe I could have at one time…”  The breeze blows over her once more with the scent of the roses they had just kissed. 

The witness lets out a final silent inner cry.  “I could have at one time, but not now”, she spits out bluntly.  Turning, she begins to leave, her head tilted down as she walks.  Nobody sees her face as the dark hood shadows over it. 

She passes by my table and glances up briefly, looking me square in the eye.  For a moment it's my face I see staring back and chills run through my spine.  She walks on, leaving the court room behind.  Tears fill my eyes as I watch my childhood friend vanish from the roomthat day.

“You know me too."  Whispers Enmity's voice through my head.  "Just what makes you think you will never come back to me, Braeden?”  I shiver as my spirit sinks into a hopeless vulnerability.  Perhaps I am always destined to return to Enmity's side. 

Left I look, then right, but no way seems existent to escape the darkness of Enmity's night.   

The Mind Game

The Author's Intermission

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This session plays out over and over again each time we desperately search for fulfilling love.  Everywhere we look there are witnesses ready to push us further along, ready to testify in our own court case whether or not to take the step into that gray area where so many have gone before. So we walk up those easy steps and we go inside.

We don’t notice the stench or the dark walls, and we don’t see the gray man with the filthy hands and deceitful eyes. When we approach the gray house instead we see acceptance and love…we see a vacation place where reality can be escaped for just a little while; a place where attention is given and the party never seems to die.

So we stay a while. And then something happens…the party doesn’t last. The only problem is, we adjust to this and we convince ourselves that this is where we belong. Those images that we start seeing of ourselves as we pass those mirrors in the halls, they start reflecting shadows of emptiness.

Fear of being alone begins to creep into our beings. We look at the outside and it looks lonely and unclear. At least here we know what we are…here we know we have value. The man in the shadows leaves trails of empty fulfillment behind him in his wake, but it doesn’t matter to him.  Enmity pours out more of his numbing drink and we drink it.

The daylight always fills our rooms in the morning…our hearts are stirred, wanting more than what we’ve accepted for ourselves, yet it feels impossible to change. We have already given too much up being where we are. We don’t deserve that sunny field of roses and love…there is no such thing as a hero in white saving the day…romancing our hearts with pure love.

‘It’s impossible to have it anyway’ we say to ourselves and we pull the shade down. The rays of longing continue to stream through anywhere there is space…and call to us over and over again…”Are you worth loving?”  The answer seems forever lost, so we cover our head in shame.

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